To Feign Understanding
by wingsofseyfert12
Summary: It's really easy to look at someone and judge them with just one glance, that one impression. It's even easier to condemn someone for their actions even though it may appear wrong or cruel. To try and genuinely understand another person is difficult. Anyone can do it though. It is only a matter if they care enough to do so.


Disclaimer: I do not own "K-On!" nor do I profit from the writing of this story.

Author's Note: Yo sup all. First off I have to give credit where it is due. This one shot is inspired after I finished reading "Why are Cat Ears So Popular" by Roxius. That one shot is totally legit. If you have not read it I highly recommend you do so before reading my one shot though mine could stand alone. Believe me it will make way more sense if you did that.

Anyway enjoy!

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Sawako Yamanaka was considered the model teacher.

Beautiful, articulate, hard working and dedicated one would have to try really hard to find a flaw with this upstanding teacher. Sawako was looked up to by her students and was generally respected by her fellow staff. Considering her accomplishments she should be happy.

Sawako Yamanaka was far from happy right now.

In fact she was downright wretched as she lay sobbing on her bed clinging to her pillow for dear life while the floor to her room was littered with pictures of a group of young women scarcely entering adulthood.

It is strange that humans in general regard each other in such a superficial manner. It is inherit and most people don't even realize that they do this. They see someone and quickly form a conclusion about a person's character. There is no attempt at communication or understanding. The entirety of a person's existence could literally be summed up in a few words and depending on how they appear on the surface this could vary greatly between different people.

On the surface Sawako Yamanaka was a role model and appeared to be a happy, cheerful young woman making her way in the world.

Some of her students, most notably the members of the Light Music Club, would say that they knew Sawako pretty well. They even got so familiar with her that they would call her by the name of "Sawa-chan."

How persumptious of them to think they knew this woman. How arrogant of her former classmates to think that they understood her. Sawako Yamanaka was not the woman everyone thought she was. She was a person filled with her own set of pains, insecurities and doubts.

Most of all she was lonely.

She had always wanted to have that special someone in her life, a man that could take care, cherish and love her.

Could she be blamed for her tears, then, if every attempt she had made in handing her heart and body to the man she loved always ended in failure? That she was always shunned for reasons that were beyond her? Or that the few relationships she did manage to get herself into she found that the man of her dreams turned out to be a total nightmare instead?

She did a very good job hiding her pains but when she returned home from work she was left with the entirety of her solitude. There was no one else in the apartment but her.

Alone.

Sawako had done everything she could to forget. She would drink herself sodden, attend concerts with acquaintances that never bothered to visit her, or partake in acts of inequity.

None of which ever seemed to make her feel better.

Strangely enough it seemed that nowadays the only source of comfort she had now were her own students, or more specifically, the members of the Light Music Club. It seemed that no matter what they did she HAD to be there with them, like she was part of the gang. They were more than happy to have her along and even put up with some of her more quaint antics. To them she seemed to be an adult that was trying too hard to act grown up.

For a while it seemed that everything would be fine. Her loneliness was forgotten and that thought of getting married to that special someone did not seem so pressing.

That was, until, those kids grew up and soon became seniors.

It was then that Sawako suddenly realized that this small shimmer of happiness and joy she had been experiencing with these girls was suddenly going to be gone.

When she had first come to terms with this fact she was surprised to find that her thoughts were filled with anger at the girls. Anger at them leaving her. Just like everyone else that had left her. Eventually she found that her anger was unwarranted. The girls could not be blamed for getting older and passing their classes.

Even so Sawako was still filled with dread. To think that her only source of happiness in so long was going to be beyond her reach was something that she could hardly stand. While all of these reasons could account for Sawako laying in bed crying her eyes out they were simply a part of a mess of problems that plagued the young teacher.

The most pressing of all was her current relationship with Mio Akiyama, the Light Music Club's bassist and unwilling founder of a fan club in her name. The two had a bit of a...forbidden union. Sawako could hardly remember when it started or why only that they were intimate.

They would meet in the Light Music Club room in the evening where Mio would come in and submit herself to anything that Sawako wished to do to her. So the two would press towards each other, flesh meeting flesh as they got lost in a torrent of total lust and inequity.

And everytime they finished Sawako would hold Mio in her arms as the younger woman would start to sob madly no doubt in disgust and shame at herself for participating in these acts. Sawako was not allowed to cry, not allowed to express her own feelings of worthlessness and disgust. No, she had to play the part of the strong, dutiful adult and comfort Mio. To hold her close and stroke her hair, even rock her silently and tell her that there was nothing to be ashamed of.

No, Sawako was not allowed to cry until she was alone in her bed with no one to bear witness to her shame lest her reputation get ruined. Unlike Mio, Sawako did not have the luxury of having a strong person there to tell her that it was alright or that what she was doing wasn't wrong.

There was no one out there to hear her cry of shame and regret and even if there was someone to hear her out who is not to say that instead of comfort Sawako would instead be rebuked for her vile actions instead? That she was to be immediately turned in and locked behind bars, like an animal, and be labeled as a menace to society?

Sawako hated herself. She thought she was utterly pathetic to use Mio as an outlet for her own needs, her own wants of companionship and perhaps even love.

This made Sawako cry even harder as she started to pound the mattress beneath her.

Was that all Mio was? Simply a proxy for Sawako to use for her own convience? That was so cruel and Sawako knew that it so and hated herself for knowing that this was perhaps the reason why she was having this relationship with Mio.

If that was the case were the feelings she held for the younger girl simply artificial as well? Her body's way of coping with its loneliness and, in this moment of intamacy, has fabricated false emotions to further propel Sawako into this relationship so that she could not be lonely again?

Could the same thing be said about the few relationships she did have with the men of her past? Did she too only feel artificial feelings for them just so that she could stay with them and not have to continue living alone?

It infuriated Sawako to realize that perhaps her notion of love all along was just a fools errand. That something like true love never really exists. That, as a species, humans are inherently social and that feelings of love, companionship, affection and such were only mechanisms of natural selection to insure the survival of humanity? That loneliness was so detrimental to the body's functions that it would go so far as to deceive itself into feeling a certain way about someone only so that it would not have to experience loneliness again.

Did Sawako have this relationship with Mio because she truly loved her or only because Mio was the most convenient source of company that was to be had?

These thoughts raced across Sawako's head as she started to sob even louder.

All of this was not far to Mio and Sawako hated herself for putting the young woman through this torment. She had taken the girl's first kiss, had broken her virginity and was literally tormenting her with feelings of shame, regret and disappointment all of which she, Sawako, would have to amend after every session.

It was a cruel cycle that Sawako felt she could not break out of. The smell of her hair, the tepid expression on her face when asked to do something embarrassing, her moans as she is driven to the brink, and the sight of her tears when it was all over.

Sawako craved Mio.

She needed Mio.

Mio, literally, was the only reason why she was alive right now.

That was what scared Sawako the most. The fact that her loneliness was so great that her body would not stand it any longer. That it had attached itself to Mio so strongly that to be deprived of her would result in Sawako's doom. When it was all said and done Sawako's life literally was in Mio's trembling hands. Then again if she were caught with Mio by anyone she would also be doomed.

Sawako literally felt she was being pressed between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go. Her life was spiraling out of control and the only one who could set it back on track was Mio and such a task was not fair to ask out of the young, timid bassist.

Perhaps it at this point that one could begin to understand why Sawako is doing the things she is doing. It is sad that most would not be able to understand. Humans are so content in taking everything at face value that they forget that the person they are speaking to is a unique individual. Man has been gifted with the ability to communicate verbally, to express our emotions and justify our actions. Nothing is what it seems yet humanity still insists on just taking one glance at someone and instantly react to the first thing that comes to their feeble minds.

Who then is able to judge Sawako for her actions? To rebuke her, to crush her when she is at her weakest? That in the entirety of all this world none could hear her cry of pain and regret. None with the time to lend an ear and listen to her. None with the understanding or compassion to look past her obvious sin and see that underneath it all she is in dire need of comfort and sanctuary.

Is there an almighty being perhaps that would take this poor woman into His arms and say:

"Sawako it's alright. I'm here with you so please there is no need to shed more tears."

These are all questions that perhaps will never be answered.

Regardless after all of this, the self hate, the shame, regret and disgust Sawako will soon fall asleep and wake up the next day to go to work and continue to put up the facade that she is indeed the role model and hard working teacher everyone wants to see.

Welcome to one night in Sawako Yamanaka's life.

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Author's Note: Well that was a bit of a bummer. I'm not usually into this kind of writing but thought to give it a try. Hit me up guys let me know what you all think.


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